Entry 15

Last night things completely sneaked up on me (I'd say snuk up, but spell check doesn't like that word). I did my mom taxi driver thing and got Hannah where she needed to be and brought her home.... we went to see friends who were leaving on vacation...had a little pizza, a couple of drinks... I came home, went to bed... and within 15 minutes, I was a blubbering mess. I apologized profusely to Adam --- I told him over and over again that I was sorry --- but at the same time, I told him that I didn't really care that we had "prepared" for mom's death or that she "wasn't herself" at the end --- I just wanted my mom back. And really....that's what it comes down to.... I want my mom back. It doesn't matter how much you prepare for it....or how much you understand that she's in a better place now...or how "not herself" she was at the end... none of that matters. When it all comes down to it you just want your mom back. I....I want my mom back. And I cried last night -- a lot. I'm so very thankful for a husband who understands and "gets it." I feel bad that I didn't understand very well when he lost his mom 13 years ago. I keep apologizing for that -- and he keeps telling me to stop apologizing. He really is a wonderful man and I'm so blessed to have him. He really understands what I'm going through and he has given me a lot of room to mourn and grieve - I couldn't ask for anyone more understanding.

So, here we are - a little over 5 months since my mom died and my dad is just now getting around to ordering a headstone. I've been to mom's grave twice -- but the lack of a marker and lack of grass make it a less than ideal experience. I understand that this is a really important thing to my dad and he wants to make sure that he gets it right -- I just wish he'd gotten it done sooner. The first time I took the kids out there (Hannah wouldn't get out of the car - no surprise) Sarah nearly fell apart because there was no grass and no headstone. So, I haven't really taken them back. I know she's not there --- I really do --- but, since I can't sit at the gates of heaven and talk to her, this is where I go.... it will be nice to have a marker there -- and a bench. I really do understand how important this is to my dad. And beyond wanting to "get it right," it's also a measure of closure that makes everything more real. I know this is hard for him and that's why I haven't really pushed him on it. But, I look forward to being able to take flowers out there -- I could never do that for her when she was alive because she was so allergic to everything. And I look forward to sitting on that bench.....again....I know she's not really there, but it'll be nice to sit there and talk to her.

I miss her so much. She introduced me to Ozzie and Harriet, My Three Sons, The Patty Duke Show, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, Oklahoma, South Pacific, West Side Story....and the list goes on and on. She taught me how to be the "kool aid" mom on the block and how to raise good kids. I want so bad just to talk to her about regular day to day things...but I can't...so....most of the time I just block it out and go on.....I'm not sure this is the best policy, but it's what I know how to do.

Entry 14

Sometimes I see her so clearly in my mind, I forget she's gone. And then, when the realization hits it's crushing........

Entry 13

Last night, while I was on the plane, on my way home, I remembered.....when I was in high school and college and I traveled, my sweet (and silly) mother used to sing an old Baptist hymn..."Lord lift me up and let me stand, by faith on heaven's table land, a higher 'PLANE' than I have found, Lord plant my feet on higher ground." It made me laugh to remember that....and then I started remembering all the great movies and TV shows we used to watch together. When I was in high school and college and couldn't sleep, I'd go out to the living room and mom was usually awake. I remember watching "Oklahoma," "Guys and Dolls," "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers," "South Pacific," and "West Side Story" with her. She introduced me to the "Thin Man" movies and instilled a love for Humphrey Bogart (that lasts to this day) through watching "African Queen," "The Maltese Falcon," and "Casablanca." We watched Dobie Gillis, Ozzie and Harriet, The Patty Duke Show, My Three Sons, The Donna Reed Show, and countless other sitcoms from the '50s and '60s. What sweet, precious memories. And there's nothing that can take those away from me -- for that I am thankful :o)