September 19

I can't sleep.....

I've had trouble sleeping for a really long time, but I think it's gotten worse since mom died. I've been at a point in the last couple of months that I'm almost afraid to try to go to sleep because I know I won't be able to. So, I'd rather sit in the chair in the living room and watch TV till I go to sleep than go lie in the bed awake for hours. I'd say, probably 3 nights out of 7, I stay downstairs after everybody else goes to bed....watch TV till I pass out....wake up freezing cold and uncomfortable in the chair at 2am...then go upstairs and get in my bed to sleep until either Adam's alarm goes off at 4:45 or my alarm goes off at 5:45 (depending on what day of the week it is).

I'm an intelligent woman --- I can see that this isn't healthy --- and yet, I don't know what to do about it. Sleeping pills don't seem to really help -- or they help too much -- so, I've given up on that. I realize that I should exercise, but between working and shuttling kids around, and being exhausted all the time, I can't figure out where to fit this in my schedule.

So....I'm at an impasse......and I still can't sleep.....

September 8

So, I think September is just going to be a hard month for me. September 1 was my parents' anniversary. This year would have been 49 years --- and what a wonderful example they set for everyone they knew.
And today would have been my mom's 70th birthday. Any other year, I would have gone out and bought a card and some white chocolate --- she was allergic to flowers and regular chocolate and she'd gotten to the point where she couldn't really read any more. So....books, flowers, perfumes and soaps were out.....we pretty much just stuck with white chocolate and owls - which she collected for years. As today started, I thought I'd go out to the cemetery. As the day went on, I thought maybe I wouldn't. But, I wound up leaving work early -- I did something crazy to throw my back out and I couldn't sit in my chair or stand up or walk without pain. So, I decided to come home and take advil and lie down. Except, instead of lying down, I decided to go to the cemetery. I mean, really, I know she's not there --- I know that......but it's as close as I can get to her. I wound up going by the grocery store -- I looked in the floral department for ivy -- that was the only plant she wasn't allergic to and could also keep alive -- but they didn't have any. So, I bought something that looked low maintenance. And, I bought a bar of white chocolate....and I headed out to the cemetery. When I pulled in, there was a crew digging a grave with a backhoe. I was a little offended by this at first. I didn't want anybody there to intrude on my emotions. But, then I realized that the noise of the machine would cover the sounds of my grief. And I stood there, and I cried - a lot - and really loud - because the backhoe covered the noise. And I told her I missed her. I also told her that I was glad she wasn't in pain anymore and that I wouldn't bring her back if it meant she'd be in pain --- but that didn't mean I didn't miss her. And then the backhoe stopped --- so I stopped crying....wouldn't want anybody to hear. Thankfully, the backhoe started again and I was able to finish using the kleenex I'd brought along in my pocket.
And through the pain and the grief, life goes on. Laundry and dishes still need to be done....kids still need to be picked up from school....work still needs to be done. Now the trick is figuring out how to balance the two......