September 8

So, I think September is just going to be a hard month for me. September 1 was my parents' anniversary. This year would have been 49 years --- and what a wonderful example they set for everyone they knew.
And today would have been my mom's 70th birthday. Any other year, I would have gone out and bought a card and some white chocolate --- she was allergic to flowers and regular chocolate and she'd gotten to the point where she couldn't really read any more. So....books, flowers, perfumes and soaps were out.....we pretty much just stuck with white chocolate and owls - which she collected for years. As today started, I thought I'd go out to the cemetery. As the day went on, I thought maybe I wouldn't. But, I wound up leaving work early -- I did something crazy to throw my back out and I couldn't sit in my chair or stand up or walk without pain. So, I decided to come home and take advil and lie down. Except, instead of lying down, I decided to go to the cemetery. I mean, really, I know she's not there --- I know that......but it's as close as I can get to her. I wound up going by the grocery store -- I looked in the floral department for ivy -- that was the only plant she wasn't allergic to and could also keep alive -- but they didn't have any. So, I bought something that looked low maintenance. And, I bought a bar of white chocolate....and I headed out to the cemetery. When I pulled in, there was a crew digging a grave with a backhoe. I was a little offended by this at first. I didn't want anybody there to intrude on my emotions. But, then I realized that the noise of the machine would cover the sounds of my grief. And I stood there, and I cried - a lot - and really loud - because the backhoe covered the noise. And I told her I missed her. I also told her that I was glad she wasn't in pain anymore and that I wouldn't bring her back if it meant she'd be in pain --- but that didn't mean I didn't miss her. And then the backhoe stopped --- so I stopped crying....wouldn't want anybody to hear. Thankfully, the backhoe started again and I was able to finish using the kleenex I'd brought along in my pocket.
And through the pain and the grief, life goes on. Laundry and dishes still need to be done....kids still need to be picked up from school....work still needs to be done. Now the trick is figuring out how to balance the two......

Entry for the first day of school

This was completely unexpected, but I spent much of the day today crying. I guess I didn't really think about the fact that the first day of school was one of my mom's favorite days. She loved for the kids to come over after school and tell her about their day. We went by and saw dad and the kids all told him about their days....but it wasn't the same. I really missed my mom today. And I missed her love for my kids...and I missed her excitement over all they do at school. And I was sad for my kids (even though they didn't really realize what they were missing) that she wasn't there to ooh and ahh over all they're doing.

On top of that, I can't believe that my youngest has started middle school, my middle one has started high school, and my oldest is a junior in high school. In two years, he'll leave home to go to college. I only have 6 years left with kids in the house.....wow.

Entry......I've lost count

I know it's been a long time since I posted. I think I got intimidated by the blog. I need to remember that I'm doing this for me and not anybody else.

So....I just got finished spending a couple of hours talking to my girl. She's so much like me. And I was so much like my mom. It was a little deja vu-ish. I was very much reminded of spending late nights up with my mother, watching tv and talking. She introduced me to old tv shows and movie musicals.....and we talked. Not necessarily about anything, but we talked. I probably slept more on the couch while she was in the recliner when I was in high school than I did in my own bed. It was always easier to go to sleep knowing that mom was right there....and that there were familiar characters winking in and out of the television. Maybe that's why I still like to go to sleep with the tv on.

I'm so glad that my girl talks to me....and that we seem to have a very similar bond that my mom and I had.....not sure how I was lucky enough to get blessed like that in both directions :o)

Entry 16

Dad called me today and said that he's found 50 or 60 cassette tapes. some of these are tapes that I made and sent home when I was off in Louisiana one summer and when I was in Belgium. But some are recorded phone conversations from when I was in those places. As a historian, I see the intrinsic value of these recordings. These are probably some pretty cool conversations. On the other hand, as a grieving daughter I wonder if it will be a rare and wonderful treat to be able to hear my mother's voice....or will it be a cruel tease to only be able to hear her recorded voice and not have her. Needless to say - I am approaching these tapes with great trepidation. We'll just have to see how it goes.

Entry 15

Last night things completely sneaked up on me (I'd say snuk up, but spell check doesn't like that word). I did my mom taxi driver thing and got Hannah where she needed to be and brought her home.... we went to see friends who were leaving on vacation...had a little pizza, a couple of drinks... I came home, went to bed... and within 15 minutes, I was a blubbering mess. I apologized profusely to Adam --- I told him over and over again that I was sorry --- but at the same time, I told him that I didn't really care that we had "prepared" for mom's death or that she "wasn't herself" at the end --- I just wanted my mom back. And really....that's what it comes down to.... I want my mom back. It doesn't matter how much you prepare for it....or how much you understand that she's in a better place now...or how "not herself" she was at the end... none of that matters. When it all comes down to it you just want your mom back. I....I want my mom back. And I cried last night -- a lot. I'm so very thankful for a husband who understands and "gets it." I feel bad that I didn't understand very well when he lost his mom 13 years ago. I keep apologizing for that -- and he keeps telling me to stop apologizing. He really is a wonderful man and I'm so blessed to have him. He really understands what I'm going through and he has given me a lot of room to mourn and grieve - I couldn't ask for anyone more understanding.

So, here we are - a little over 5 months since my mom died and my dad is just now getting around to ordering a headstone. I've been to mom's grave twice -- but the lack of a marker and lack of grass make it a less than ideal experience. I understand that this is a really important thing to my dad and he wants to make sure that he gets it right -- I just wish he'd gotten it done sooner. The first time I took the kids out there (Hannah wouldn't get out of the car - no surprise) Sarah nearly fell apart because there was no grass and no headstone. So, I haven't really taken them back. I know she's not there --- I really do --- but, since I can't sit at the gates of heaven and talk to her, this is where I go.... it will be nice to have a marker there -- and a bench. I really do understand how important this is to my dad. And beyond wanting to "get it right," it's also a measure of closure that makes everything more real. I know this is hard for him and that's why I haven't really pushed him on it. But, I look forward to being able to take flowers out there -- I could never do that for her when she was alive because she was so allergic to everything. And I look forward to sitting on that bench.....again....I know she's not really there, but it'll be nice to sit there and talk to her.

I miss her so much. She introduced me to Ozzie and Harriet, My Three Sons, The Patty Duke Show, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, Oklahoma, South Pacific, West Side Story....and the list goes on and on. She taught me how to be the "kool aid" mom on the block and how to raise good kids. I want so bad just to talk to her about regular day to day things...but I can't...so....most of the time I just block it out and go on.....I'm not sure this is the best policy, but it's what I know how to do.

Entry 14

Sometimes I see her so clearly in my mind, I forget she's gone. And then, when the realization hits it's crushing........

Entry 13

Last night, while I was on the plane, on my way home, I remembered.....when I was in high school and college and I traveled, my sweet (and silly) mother used to sing an old Baptist hymn..."Lord lift me up and let me stand, by faith on heaven's table land, a higher 'PLANE' than I have found, Lord plant my feet on higher ground." It made me laugh to remember that....and then I started remembering all the great movies and TV shows we used to watch together. When I was in high school and college and couldn't sleep, I'd go out to the living room and mom was usually awake. I remember watching "Oklahoma," "Guys and Dolls," "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers," "South Pacific," and "West Side Story" with her. She introduced me to the "Thin Man" movies and instilled a love for Humphrey Bogart (that lasts to this day) through watching "African Queen," "The Maltese Falcon," and "Casablanca." We watched Dobie Gillis, Ozzie and Harriet, The Patty Duke Show, My Three Sons, The Donna Reed Show, and countless other sitcoms from the '50s and '60s. What sweet, precious memories. And there's nothing that can take those away from me -- for that I am thankful :o)