Entry 3

So far, so good today. Adam brought me lunch at work and we sat outside at the picnic tables to eat. Torchy's baja shrimp tacos always brighten my day. And then, I found an excuse to come home early and work from the house. It's amazing how much nicer work is when you're doing it from your own couch with your dog next to you. Of course, I could take my dog(s) to work if I wanted to...but they don't always play well with others.

I'm both looking forward to and dreading Joshua's baseball game tonight. It's not that I don't want to go to his game, although things like that seem to take more out of me than they used to...the bigger issue is that my dad is going to be there. This was something I hadn't prepared myself for -- getting to know my dad all over again, and in a whole new way. I always feel like I don't know what to say to him. And I worry about him, but I don't want to tell him that. I'd like to suggest things for him to do to get out of the house --- besides going to the store --- but I know it's still pretty early and he just needs to find his own routine and figure out what he wants to do. I feel responsible for him, but sometimes it takes more emotional energy than I have to go see him or call him. And then I feel guilty....and so on, and so on.... Not sure what the solution is to this one except to just keep plugging along. I know there are no right or wrong answers to all this, so I guess I should really cut myself a little slack.

It's about time to start picking up kids from school and enduring all the chaos that goes with that, but it's a beautiful, sunny day. I can feel the breeze coming through the window and smell freshly mowed grass. For right now I'm happy and content. It would be nice if I could hold on to that, but I guess the better lesson is to appreciate it for what it is and just enjoy the moment while it lasts.

Entry 2

This is the last picture I took of my mom. She's in her wheel chair with her oxygen on and my sweet Sarah is standing behind her with two silly Christmas bows in her hair. My mom so loved her grandchildren. For as long as I can remember, my mom was all about children. She taught kindergarten for years, but I remember her as a stay at home mom who always had breakfast ready and a lunch made for me. Even when I was in college, she got up before I did and turned on the heater in the bathroom so I wouldn't be cold when I was getting ready. That's just who she was. I can't think of anybody I've ever known who was as selfless as she was. I have recently scanned some old photographs and that has brought back a whole new set of memories...because for the last 5 or 10 years, my mother's infirmities defined her. I hope I can post lots of wonderful memories of her and that those of you who knew her will share your memories. She was a wonderful woman, and I was prepared for her death --- she had been sick for a really long time. But, grief still overwhelms me in really strange ways...so I'm hoping this blog helps me to deal with some of that.

Entry 1

I've never been good at blogs or diaries. I always feel like I need to sound more poetic or more intellectual, or more....something...than I really am. I think maybe that's why I haven't posted much on the blogs I've started before.

I would have loved to have a weight loss blog that documents my incredible weight loss, but that hasn't happened. I started a blog....but I didn't follow through...twice...

So, I think it's probably more important for me to have a blog that documents my real life. I have three kids, my husband is currently working night shifts, I travel a lot for work, and my mom just passed away in January.

These are the things that define me....that make me who I am. I am a mom, a historian, a wife, a daughter, a middle-aged woman, a singer, a believer, a niece, a sister, an aunt, a sister-in-law, a homeowner, a drinker, an eater, a lover of life, an Austinite, tattooed, pierced, depressed, happy, joyful, unstable, competent, responsible, uncertain, grateful....well...you get the idea.....there's a lot to me and there's a lot I don't understand. I don't know where this blog is going to go, but I know that I need an outlet for everything that's going on in my life.

I hope this doesn't turn out like my other blogs - where I abandon it after a few weeks. This isn't about how successful I am at weight loss, which is what I've tried before. This blog is about my journey through life...and life is joyous and wonderful, but it really sucks at the same time.

So...that's my first post. I don't know what the next post will bring...maybe I'll talk about my mom...maybe I'll talk about how I grew up...who knows...I just hope it's cheaper than therapy......