Entry 12

My dad hurt my feelings this week --- he didn't mean to. I'm sure he has no idea that he did it. But, he did -- and it made me wish my mom was here to talk to about it....to rant a little and have her understand. But, then I remember that the last few months of her life, she wasn't herself...so to just have her back might not have made any difference. I want my mom back the way she was 10 years ago...even 5 years ago. I want the mom who could let me rant about my dad and sympathize with me (and even rant a little herself)...who would give me advice about raising my kids. I miss watching old movies and TV shows with her. I miss the pride she had in the things I do and the things my kids do. This season of the year - with end of school awards and stuff - has made me miss her. She would have been so proud of Sarah passing all her TAKS tests -- not the modified special ed version, but the real test -- for the first time all by herself. My mom said all along that she knew Sarah would find the key and amaze us all -- she was so right and she would have been so very proud. And she'd have been so proud of Joshua for taking the initiative to seek out concurrent college classes while he's still in high school. And, how she would have loved to see Hannah on the stage. She was so sick for so long that she never got to see Hannah perform, but I know she would have nearly busted a button if she had been able to see a show. She was so proud of her kids and her grandkids...and in some ways that makes me wish there was some way she could know about all the wonderful stuff that they're doing. I know she's in a better place...but I don't know exactly how that place works. I don't know if she knows about all that we're doing or if she doesn't. I don't know that it really matters. All I know is that I miss her.

Entry 11

Wow - my mini-me will be 14 tomorrow. Unbelievable! She is so beautiful and talented and smart and amazing. I'm so proud to be her mom. I can't wait to see what she does with all that God has given her. She is a treasure to me :o)

Entry 10

I never quite know when to post. Sometimes I feel like I need to be "up" for it and sometimes I feel like I just need to say whatever is on my mind.

I had a moment today....lol...such a weird saying..."a moment." But, that's what I had. I got in my car to go pick up kids and "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown" was on the radio. That brought back a lot of childhood memories. Then, I got back in the car later and "Jeremiah Was a Bullfrog" was on the radio. Wow...When I was eight years old, I recorded myself singing that song (and "The Night Chicago Died" - with quite a bit of feeling - lol) on my cassette recorder. The first year I was married, my mother gave a copy of that cassette to Adam for Christmas :o) So, when "Jeremiah Was a Bullfrog" came on the radio I got a little choked up, but I was okay. Then, I drove past the hospital where mom died and suddenly my throat closed up and somehow there was a big, hard walnut in it. My eyes filled with tears and I couldn't swallow. I almost had to pull over and stop...but I can't do that. I can handle everything...I can function under the most difficult of circumstances..."I am woman, hear me roar!" And, of course, I kept going. I picked up kids. I ran errands. I encountered incompetent people. I got angry. My afternoon was ruined....and I wrote it all off to stupid people and traffic. Hmmmm.....not so sure I should have placed the blame there......

A friend shared a text message with me a few weeks ago. It said, "Depression is the result of trying to be strong and do things on your own for too long." Boy, I sure am glad THAT didn't hit home! I have always been the "do-er." I can handle it all. I was teaching middle school and raising three kids while my husband drove a truck over the road AND I was going to graduate school. Again I say, "I am woman, hear me roar!" So, maybe I'm roaring too much. Perhaps I need to give up the invisible plane, golden tiara, and lasso of truth. Maybe I need to stop being so strong and doing this by myself. But, how do I do that? I don't even know how to start......

If I let go of all the Wonder Woman strength, I'm afraid I'll completely fall apart and won't be able to do anything. I have kids and a husband to take care of. I have a job to do. I can't completely fall apart. So, where is the happy medium? How do I relinquish some of my "do it all" but not let myself go completely? How do I let myself grieve and still be able to be a mom, a wife, do my job? If I do one, I can't do the other...and right now doing my job and being a mom and wife is winning out. So, the grief only comes occasionally and in short bursts. Maybe that's okay. I don't know. I've never done this before....

Entry 9

Most of you know, or could figure out, that I was named for Julie Christie's character in the movie Dr. Zhivago. I've seen the movie several times, but not in the last few years. When I saw that it was on tonight, I decided to watch it - even though I know it's incredibly long and unbelievably depressing. It's "my" movie and I wanted to watch it. Omar Sharif is so handsome...and Geraldine Chaplin and Julie Christie are just stunningly beautiful. And the story -- besides its portrayal of the Russian Revolution, which has ALWAYS fascinated me -- is one of deep and abiding love. I was doing fine...until the music of Lara's Theme began...and then I started to cry.

I know most people are aware of whether or not they were planned or an accident. I've always known that my parents tried for a very long time to get pregnant with me -- my brother is 5 1/2 years older than I am. And, I have always known that if I had been a boy, my name would have been Christopher Allen :o) Recently, we found out that the man who has been our family doctor since the mid 1960s is retiring...and my dad went and got all my mom's medical records. He sent me this one a couple of weeks ago...and I cried.

I don't know if you can see it on the photo, or not, but on 3-2-67 there's a note: "Wants to get pregnant." Wow.....and I was born (a month early) in December 1967. Wow.


Like I said...I always knew I was wanted and planned. But to have such tangible proof was really almost overwhelming to me.

So...watching Dr. Zhivago tonight with this knowledge has been pretty moving for me. And...it's Mother's Day weekend...

I really have been just trying not to think about it. Our tradition for many years has been that Adam will grill a huge meal for Mother's Day - usually salmon because that was one of my mom's favorites. But, this year he's taking me out to dinner...I don't want him to cook. I think that would probably make the day a million times harder for me. I'd like to keep it low key. And I'd really like to be able to relax and enjoy the day...I guess we'll just wait and see how things go.

There is so much sweetness and love and happiness mixed with all the grief - the combination of emotions just becomes overwhelming. To know that I was wanted this much - and planned for - and loved so much.


Lara's Theme
"Somewhere, my love, there will be songs to sing
Although the snow covers the hopes of Spring
Somewhere a hill blossoms in green and gold
And there are dreams, all that your heart can hold
Someday we'll meet again, my love
Someday whenever the Spring breaks through

You'll come to me out of the long-ago
Warm as the wind, soft as the kiss of snow
Till then, my sweet, think of me now and then
Godspeed, my love, till you are mine again

Someday we'll meet again, my love
I said "someday whenever that Spring breaks through"

You'll come to me out of the long-ago
Warm as the wind, and as soft as the kiss of snow
Till then, my sweet, think of me now and then
Godspeed, my love, till you are mine again!"

Entry 8

So...I wonder...how much slack do I cut everyone else...and how little do I cut myself. I'm very good about telling the kids that however they grieve is the way they grieve -- and yet I'm so quick to question myself and how I am grieving.

Most of the time, when a thought or a memory comes to me, I push it away...determined not to deal with it now, but to deal with it later. And, so I wonder...am I dealing with grief correctly? Am I doing this right? Am I doing myself a disservice? Or is this just how I deal with grief? So many unknowns....

But really, I'm afraid to confront it dead on. I don't want to break down because I'm afraid that if I do, I'll be worthless for days and days. I'm afraid that if I confront it head on, it will completely debilitate me. So, I push it away and I choose not to deal with it.

And then it blindsides me -- like today...watching "Julie and Julia"...and the song "I love you a bushel and a peck...a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck" comes on and all I can hear is my mother singing that to my kids. But I try so hard to push it aside so I can go on with my day and be a mom and do what my family needs me to do. But, it doesn't work -- and I'm in a funk for most of the afternoon. I'm thankful for my friends who encouraged me to get out of the house and go to the pool...and it was fun...but then I question myself. Should I let the grief come so I can deal with it? Or is it okay to push it aside for a while? I just don't know....I don't know anymore if I'm "okay" and dealing with things or if I'm just fooling myself.

I just don't know...