So...I wonder...how much slack do I cut everyone else...and how little do I cut myself. I'm very good about telling the kids that however they grieve is the way they grieve -- and yet I'm so quick to question myself and how I am grieving.
Most of the time, when a thought or a memory comes to me, I push it away...determined not to deal with it now, but to deal with it later. And, so I wonder...am I dealing with grief correctly? Am I doing this right? Am I doing myself a disservice? Or is this just how I deal with grief? So many unknowns....
But really, I'm afraid to confront it dead on. I don't want to break down because I'm afraid that if I do, I'll be worthless for days and days. I'm afraid that if I confront it head on, it will completely debilitate me. So, I push it away and I choose not to deal with it.
And then it blindsides me -- like today...watching "Julie and Julia"...and the song "I love you a bushel and a peck...a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck" comes on and all I can hear is my mother singing that to my kids. But I try so hard to push it aside so I can go on with my day and be a mom and do what my family needs me to do. But, it doesn't work -- and I'm in a funk for most of the afternoon. I'm thankful for my friends who encouraged me to get out of the house and go to the pool...and it was fun...but then I question myself. Should I let the grief come so I can deal with it? Or is it okay to push it aside for a while? I just don't know....I don't know anymore if I'm "okay" and dealing with things or if I'm just fooling myself.
I just don't know...
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My precious friend - I don't know exactly what you are going thru so I will not presume to tell you what you should do but it occurs to me to tell you that I think as long as you do eventually let yourself grieve and know that later could be ten times more debilitating than right now.... be gentle with yourself. YOu are loved and precious and however I can be available for you, know that I will move heaven and earth to do it.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds so familiar, sweetie! I figured out there are no "s'posed-to's" when it comes to grieving. It can be different for everybody and it can be different for you every time you feel the wave wash over you.
ReplyDeleteWhen I have those memories that hit me like this one you shared with us, they now feel like a hug from my mother. I find I can more easily step over the fact that she's not here anymore ...at least more easily than I did at first... and skip ahead to the celebration. I celebrate the fact that I had such a wonderful mom for such a long time. I celebrate the way she loved me and the things she taught me. I celebrate the way I can tell my kids a little something about her in small moments every day and then she has a presence in their lives all over again. And I feel blessed ...almost like a hug from her. I miss her every day, but every day that I think about her and talk about her she is still in my life and for that I am very, very glad.
Kendi and Donna,
ReplyDeleteThank you both so much. Kendi -- you are always there for me, no matter what, and for that I am so, so very grateful. You love me and understand me without any explanation and that is such a blessing in my life.
Donna -- thank you for understanding this grieving process and sharing your wisdom. I do so appreciate any input to help me get through this. I told myself for years that I was prepared for mom's death --- we knew it was coming. But even still, you're never really prepared. Thanks for "getting" that.
Love y'all!!