Entry 12

My dad hurt my feelings this week --- he didn't mean to. I'm sure he has no idea that he did it. But, he did -- and it made me wish my mom was here to talk to about it....to rant a little and have her understand. But, then I remember that the last few months of her life, she wasn't herself...so to just have her back might not have made any difference. I want my mom back the way she was 10 years ago...even 5 years ago. I want the mom who could let me rant about my dad and sympathize with me (and even rant a little herself)...who would give me advice about raising my kids. I miss watching old movies and TV shows with her. I miss the pride she had in the things I do and the things my kids do. This season of the year - with end of school awards and stuff - has made me miss her. She would have been so proud of Sarah passing all her TAKS tests -- not the modified special ed version, but the real test -- for the first time all by herself. My mom said all along that she knew Sarah would find the key and amaze us all -- she was so right and she would have been so very proud. And she'd have been so proud of Joshua for taking the initiative to seek out concurrent college classes while he's still in high school. And, how she would have loved to see Hannah on the stage. She was so sick for so long that she never got to see Hannah perform, but I know she would have nearly busted a button if she had been able to see a show. She was so proud of her kids and her grandkids...and in some ways that makes me wish there was some way she could know about all the wonderful stuff that they're doing. I know she's in a better place...but I don't know exactly how that place works. I don't know if she knows about all that we're doing or if she doesn't. I don't know that it really matters. All I know is that I miss her.