I never quite know when to post. Sometimes I feel like I need to be "up" for it and sometimes I feel like I just need to say whatever is on my mind.
I had a moment today....lol...such a weird saying..."a moment." But, that's what I had. I got in my car to go pick up kids and "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown" was on the radio. That brought back a lot of childhood memories. Then, I got back in the car later and "Jeremiah Was a Bullfrog" was on the radio. Wow...When I was eight years old, I recorded myself singing that song (and "The Night Chicago Died" - with quite a bit of feeling - lol) on my cassette recorder. The first year I was married, my mother gave a copy of that cassette to Adam for Christmas :o) So, when "Jeremiah Was a Bullfrog" came on the radio I got a little choked up, but I was okay. Then, I drove past the hospital where mom died and suddenly my throat closed up and somehow there was a big, hard walnut in it. My eyes filled with tears and I couldn't swallow. I almost had to pull over and stop...but I can't do that. I can handle everything...I can function under the most difficult of circumstances..."I am woman, hear me roar!" And, of course, I kept going. I picked up kids. I ran errands. I encountered incompetent people. I got angry. My afternoon was ruined....and I wrote it all off to stupid people and traffic. Hmmmm.....not so sure I should have placed the blame there......
A friend shared a text message with me a few weeks ago. It said, "Depression is the result of trying to be strong and do things on your own for too long." Boy, I sure am glad THAT didn't hit home! I have always been the "do-er." I can handle it all. I was teaching middle school and raising three kids while my husband drove a truck over the road AND I was going to graduate school. Again I say, "I am woman, hear me roar!" So, maybe I'm roaring too much. Perhaps I need to give up the invisible plane, golden tiara, and lasso of truth. Maybe I need to stop being so strong and doing this by myself. But, how do I do that? I don't even know how to start......
If I let go of all the Wonder Woman strength, I'm afraid I'll completely fall apart and won't be able to do anything. I have kids and a husband to take care of. I have a job to do. I can't completely fall apart. So, where is the happy medium? How do I relinquish some of my "do it all" but not let myself go completely? How do I let myself grieve and still be able to be a mom, a wife, do my job? If I do one, I can't do the other...and right now doing my job and being a mom and wife is winning out. So, the grief only comes occasionally and in short bursts. Maybe that's okay. I don't know. I've never done this before....
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I'd say if you're still able to make enough sense to write all that, you're managing pretty well. I mean you're not in a rubber room yet with your finger between your lips going "blblblblbl..." are you?
ReplyDeleteThe thing about people with our mind set (and I consider us to be cut from much the same cloth) is that we have to learn to see when our drive to accomplish and control our circumstances is working for us and when it's working against us. It's good to want to accomplish something but at what cost? For example, are you keeping yourself sane by making the rest of the family crazy? That can be a standard to go by as you make your daily decisions.
But the one thing that can make a difference in your current situation is that you've got to give yourself permission to work on yourself, too. You feel like you're somehow being selfish or wimpy to take time for yourself to just feel what you're feeling. But if you don't give attention to this process, it will begin to chip away at your ability to handle the rest of your life.
If you can, make a plan. Perhaps a personal retreat. Give yourself permission for a day, an evening, an hour, a weekend...whatever works for you. And just ride the wave for awhile.
Psalm 42
I am going to suggest that you pick a day, afternoon when you have the place all to yourself and start the shower and just stand in it and get some crying done. Cry and cry and cry till you can't cry anymore and then go about 5 more minutes. There is something very cleansing in that for me (how much more vulnerable can you get than naked in a bathtub?) and tell God all the stuff He already knows but needs to hear you say so He knows you know and then the peace sort of begins... SORT of. And then you can use one of your life lines and "phone a friend" I know one who is always available. Love you
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