Entry 9

Most of you know, or could figure out, that I was named for Julie Christie's character in the movie Dr. Zhivago. I've seen the movie several times, but not in the last few years. When I saw that it was on tonight, I decided to watch it - even though I know it's incredibly long and unbelievably depressing. It's "my" movie and I wanted to watch it. Omar Sharif is so handsome...and Geraldine Chaplin and Julie Christie are just stunningly beautiful. And the story -- besides its portrayal of the Russian Revolution, which has ALWAYS fascinated me -- is one of deep and abiding love. I was doing fine...until the music of Lara's Theme began...and then I started to cry.

I know most people are aware of whether or not they were planned or an accident. I've always known that my parents tried for a very long time to get pregnant with me -- my brother is 5 1/2 years older than I am. And, I have always known that if I had been a boy, my name would have been Christopher Allen :o) Recently, we found out that the man who has been our family doctor since the mid 1960s is retiring...and my dad went and got all my mom's medical records. He sent me this one a couple of weeks ago...and I cried.

I don't know if you can see it on the photo, or not, but on 3-2-67 there's a note: "Wants to get pregnant." Wow.....and I was born (a month early) in December 1967. Wow.


Like I said...I always knew I was wanted and planned. But to have such tangible proof was really almost overwhelming to me.

So...watching Dr. Zhivago tonight with this knowledge has been pretty moving for me. And...it's Mother's Day weekend...

I really have been just trying not to think about it. Our tradition for many years has been that Adam will grill a huge meal for Mother's Day - usually salmon because that was one of my mom's favorites. But, this year he's taking me out to dinner...I don't want him to cook. I think that would probably make the day a million times harder for me. I'd like to keep it low key. And I'd really like to be able to relax and enjoy the day...I guess we'll just wait and see how things go.

There is so much sweetness and love and happiness mixed with all the grief - the combination of emotions just becomes overwhelming. To know that I was wanted this much - and planned for - and loved so much.


Lara's Theme
"Somewhere, my love, there will be songs to sing
Although the snow covers the hopes of Spring
Somewhere a hill blossoms in green and gold
And there are dreams, all that your heart can hold
Someday we'll meet again, my love
Someday whenever the Spring breaks through

You'll come to me out of the long-ago
Warm as the wind, soft as the kiss of snow
Till then, my sweet, think of me now and then
Godspeed, my love, till you are mine again

Someday we'll meet again, my love
I said "someday whenever that Spring breaks through"

You'll come to me out of the long-ago
Warm as the wind, and as soft as the kiss of snow
Till then, my sweet, think of me now and then
Godspeed, my love, till you are mine again!"