December 17

Okay, I gotta cover a couple of days here.

I'm thankful that the folks at THC invited me to their holiday lunch just because I happened to be working there that day.

I'm thankful for bonus checks.

I'm thankful that a psychiatrist called me back and can get my mini-me in for an appointment in January.

December 12 and 13

I'm currently finding it hard to be thankful, but I'll give it a shot.

Yesterday I was thankful for a chance to get some rest during the day.

Today I'm thankful that my car is ready and will finally be out of the shop.

December 11

Okay - I gotta cover both yesterday and today.

Yesterday I was very thankful to move into my new office. It's bigger than my old one and has more windows....and if I stand in the doorway and hold my head just the right way, I can see a little bit of downtown through the tree branches :o)

Today I am thankful for a slow, quiet morning....a warm cup of coffee....and friends who love me.

December 9

Today I am thankful for my family. My sweet husband, my sister-in-law, and my three beautiful children bring me such joy.

And tomorrow, I get to move into my new office and go to our office Christmas party. I anticipate a good day :o)

December 8

Wow....I'm trying so hard to be positive, but it's awfully hard sometimes. Hannah is having such a hard time and it hurts me to watch her hurt.....and I worry about her. But, to continue with my posts of thankfulness......today I am thankful for the wonderful organization "To Write Love On Her Arms." They bring love and hope to hurting kids, including my own.

www.twloha.com

We will be the hopeful.

Today would have been his birthday. She completely fell apart after her friends went home. We sat and cried together and talked for a long time. I think we probably have a rough couple of weeks ahead of us. But, I'm still hopeful that we will find the laughter after the weeping.

December 5

Wow --- I missed a lot of days. I don't think I'll go back and try to come up with something to be thankful for for each of the days I missed this time.
I guess after the events of this week (for those who don't know, Hannah's ex-boyfriend committed suicide on Monday) -- after all that, I'm very thankful that my kids seem to be pretty well adjusted. I'm also super, super thankful for Hannah's friends who have come over this weekend to cheer her up and look out for her.

November 26

Today I'm thankful for a (relatively) comfortable chair to sleep in, cough drops, nyquil, and theraflu. They might not work miracles, but I can't imagine how bad I'd feel without them.

November 25

Darn! I thought I posted yesterday. Oh well.

Let's see....yesterday I was thankful for a chance to rest and recuperate.

Today I have been thankful for extra sleep, hot coffee, cold weather, and an all-you-can-eat Thanksgiving buffet (even if the food wasn't the highest quality).

I'm looking forward to a good night's sleep, waking up late to a nice cold morning, and a good hot cup of coffee.

November 23

Today I am thankful that, if I have to be sick, I have comp time and paid holidays so I can be home and be sick and not worry about my paycheck. I'm a little bummed that I don't feel well enough to cook for Thanksgiving, but I am thankful that there are restaurants where we can go to have a nice Thanksgiving meal (and I don't have to clean up!)

November 22

Okay - so I missed a few days. Let me go back and try to get caught up.

November 19 would have been Friday. Friday I was very thankful that my dad could pick Sarah up from school so I could stay at work late.

November 20 was Saturday. I worked 9 hours that day. I was thankful for the ability to do my job and do it well and be an asset to my company in a difficult situation.

November 21 was Sunday. I worked 6 hours that day. I was thankful that some of my co-workers came in to help me finish up the project.

And then today. Praise the Lord! I'm thankful that we're done with this dadgum, doggone project!!!!

And I'm even more thankful that I've earned enough comp time that I don't have to go back to work until Monday, November 30! Woot! Woot!!!

November 18

Okay -- so I missed yesterday -- such are the perils of air travel. So --- I need to be thankful for two things today.

Yesterday I was thankful for that airplane that brought my home!

Today I'm thankful that I don't have to go back in to work tonight. I'm thankful for free karate gear for Sarah. I'm thankful for a goofy dog who doesn't even know his own name.

Ooops! I put down more than two!

Enterprise

Today I'm thankful for the Enterprise Rental Car guys at the Amarillo airport. They got a local dealership to cut a new key when I somehow lost the key to my rental car. They brought it to me in Canyon (20 minutes away) and spent 20 minutes making sure the key and the car were synched up the way they're supposed to be. I am also thankful that this was a cheap rental car without automatic door locks --- otherwise the key replacement would have cost me twice as much!

November 14

Hmmmm....less than ideal hotel, less than ideal food choices in town, people who haven't gotten back with me about meeting.....struggling to find something to be thankful this morning. Okay -- I got it --- I'm thankful that I had a room with a bed to sleep in that was warm and safe and dry because it got REALLY cold here last night!

November 14

I have to admit that I'm a little surprised that I've stuck with this as long as I have. I'm kind of proud of myself for posting something every single day. I really figured I'd give up or forget or something.....and maybe at some point I will. But, I'm glad I've done it for this long. It really does seem to help my attitude and general mood to stop and think about the things I'm thankful for.

Today I am thankful for yesterday. I know that sounds weird, but it's true. I had a chance to spend some time with my dad and our former family doctor. That might also sound weird, but my parents started going to this doctor when they moved to Austin in 1965, and with my mom's health issues they saw him a LOT. As much as a doctor can be a friend, he was. He had a historical artifact that he wanted to give to me, so that was really cool in and of itself. But, I think, even better, was a chance for my dad and I to remember and talk about my mom along with someone else who misses her, but is slightly removed from some of the most intense emotions. He lost his wife 6 years ago, and he just recently adopted a rescue dog to keep him company -- so he and my dad have quite a bit in common. I actually think they might get together again, just the two of them. Neither one of them are very social guys, but they both seemed to enjoy the visit. So...I'm thankful for the historical artifact...I'm thankful for the time out in the beautiful hill country...and I'm thankful for the time spent with those two neat guys.

Coolness

Wow - lots of things going on....lots of possibilities in the wind. And that brings some worry, some stress, and some uncertainty. But, this morning I am thankful for a hot cup of coffee and much cooler weather. Mmmmmmmm

Better late than never

I forgot to post.....but, better late than never. Today I am thankful for my kids -- even though they keep me ridiculously busy. They bring so much joy to my life and they're growing up to be such cool people!

Veterans Day

Today I am thankful for all of the men and women who have served our country in the military.

Two today

I get two thankfuls today ---- because I'm really, really, really thankful to be home!!!!!

Staying Thankful

Today I'm thankful that the hotel has a "to go" breakfast bag. Since I don't want to take the time to leave the library during the day, that will be my lunch....an apple, a cereal bar, a muffin, and a bottle of water :o)

Shower

I was running late this morning and didn't have a chance to do this before I left to work. But, today I am thankful for a hot shower after a long day of work :o)

Coffee

Today, I am thankful for coffee --- now I just need to get myself down to the hotel lobby and get some! :o)

Sunday

I should have blogged earlier when I was still feeling thankful. Now I'm mostly feeling stressed out, annoyed, unappreciated, and put out. I know I have a lot of things to be thankful for....sometimes it's just hard to see them in the middle of frustration. I guess today I'll say that I'm very grateful for a job that allows me to do what I love.

Ups and Downs

I'd had a couple of pretty good days, and yesterday even started off okay....but then it tanked -- HARD. It wasn't a good day at all....and then it got better for a little while...and then it got bad again. It felt a little like being on a roller coaster. But, today is a new day and, while I'm still a little stressed out about some things and feeling a little overwhelmed, I can think of lots of things to be grateful for. I'm especially thankful that I got to sleep late -- almost 9am!!! It's been a really nice, lazy morning :o)

Friday gratitude

Today I am thankful for my belly dancing lesson. It was awesome and I can't wait to go back next week!

I'm also thankful for that potato soup that I was thankful for yesterday --- it turned out really, really good :o)

Soup

Today, I'm thankful for a big pot of potato soup that will cook all day and be ready to eat when we all get home.

New directions

Well --- it's been forever since I posted --- I think I'm intimidated by blogging. I've built it up in my mind to be something gut-wrenching and soul searching and hard. So, I'm going to take a new direction.....

I've never really been a "glass half full" kind of gal....and I think I need to change that. So, I'm going to try to blog one thing I'm thankful for each day. Maybe the blog will be more than that, or maybe just my one thankful thing --I guess that depends on the day and my mood.

For today, I'm thankful that I took a few minutes and a few dollars to stop and get coffee with Joshua before I dropped him off at school :o)

September 19

I can't sleep.....

I've had trouble sleeping for a really long time, but I think it's gotten worse since mom died. I've been at a point in the last couple of months that I'm almost afraid to try to go to sleep because I know I won't be able to. So, I'd rather sit in the chair in the living room and watch TV till I go to sleep than go lie in the bed awake for hours. I'd say, probably 3 nights out of 7, I stay downstairs after everybody else goes to bed....watch TV till I pass out....wake up freezing cold and uncomfortable in the chair at 2am...then go upstairs and get in my bed to sleep until either Adam's alarm goes off at 4:45 or my alarm goes off at 5:45 (depending on what day of the week it is).

I'm an intelligent woman --- I can see that this isn't healthy --- and yet, I don't know what to do about it. Sleeping pills don't seem to really help -- or they help too much -- so, I've given up on that. I realize that I should exercise, but between working and shuttling kids around, and being exhausted all the time, I can't figure out where to fit this in my schedule.

So....I'm at an impasse......and I still can't sleep.....

September 8

So, I think September is just going to be a hard month for me. September 1 was my parents' anniversary. This year would have been 49 years --- and what a wonderful example they set for everyone they knew.
And today would have been my mom's 70th birthday. Any other year, I would have gone out and bought a card and some white chocolate --- she was allergic to flowers and regular chocolate and she'd gotten to the point where she couldn't really read any more. So....books, flowers, perfumes and soaps were out.....we pretty much just stuck with white chocolate and owls - which she collected for years. As today started, I thought I'd go out to the cemetery. As the day went on, I thought maybe I wouldn't. But, I wound up leaving work early -- I did something crazy to throw my back out and I couldn't sit in my chair or stand up or walk without pain. So, I decided to come home and take advil and lie down. Except, instead of lying down, I decided to go to the cemetery. I mean, really, I know she's not there --- I know that......but it's as close as I can get to her. I wound up going by the grocery store -- I looked in the floral department for ivy -- that was the only plant she wasn't allergic to and could also keep alive -- but they didn't have any. So, I bought something that looked low maintenance. And, I bought a bar of white chocolate....and I headed out to the cemetery. When I pulled in, there was a crew digging a grave with a backhoe. I was a little offended by this at first. I didn't want anybody there to intrude on my emotions. But, then I realized that the noise of the machine would cover the sounds of my grief. And I stood there, and I cried - a lot - and really loud - because the backhoe covered the noise. And I told her I missed her. I also told her that I was glad she wasn't in pain anymore and that I wouldn't bring her back if it meant she'd be in pain --- but that didn't mean I didn't miss her. And then the backhoe stopped --- so I stopped crying....wouldn't want anybody to hear. Thankfully, the backhoe started again and I was able to finish using the kleenex I'd brought along in my pocket.
And through the pain and the grief, life goes on. Laundry and dishes still need to be done....kids still need to be picked up from school....work still needs to be done. Now the trick is figuring out how to balance the two......

Entry for the first day of school

This was completely unexpected, but I spent much of the day today crying. I guess I didn't really think about the fact that the first day of school was one of my mom's favorite days. She loved for the kids to come over after school and tell her about their day. We went by and saw dad and the kids all told him about their days....but it wasn't the same. I really missed my mom today. And I missed her love for my kids...and I missed her excitement over all they do at school. And I was sad for my kids (even though they didn't really realize what they were missing) that she wasn't there to ooh and ahh over all they're doing.

On top of that, I can't believe that my youngest has started middle school, my middle one has started high school, and my oldest is a junior in high school. In two years, he'll leave home to go to college. I only have 6 years left with kids in the house.....wow.

Entry......I've lost count

I know it's been a long time since I posted. I think I got intimidated by the blog. I need to remember that I'm doing this for me and not anybody else.

So....I just got finished spending a couple of hours talking to my girl. She's so much like me. And I was so much like my mom. It was a little deja vu-ish. I was very much reminded of spending late nights up with my mother, watching tv and talking. She introduced me to old tv shows and movie musicals.....and we talked. Not necessarily about anything, but we talked. I probably slept more on the couch while she was in the recliner when I was in high school than I did in my own bed. It was always easier to go to sleep knowing that mom was right there....and that there were familiar characters winking in and out of the television. Maybe that's why I still like to go to sleep with the tv on.

I'm so glad that my girl talks to me....and that we seem to have a very similar bond that my mom and I had.....not sure how I was lucky enough to get blessed like that in both directions :o)

Entry 16

Dad called me today and said that he's found 50 or 60 cassette tapes. some of these are tapes that I made and sent home when I was off in Louisiana one summer and when I was in Belgium. But some are recorded phone conversations from when I was in those places. As a historian, I see the intrinsic value of these recordings. These are probably some pretty cool conversations. On the other hand, as a grieving daughter I wonder if it will be a rare and wonderful treat to be able to hear my mother's voice....or will it be a cruel tease to only be able to hear her recorded voice and not have her. Needless to say - I am approaching these tapes with great trepidation. We'll just have to see how it goes.

Entry 15

Last night things completely sneaked up on me (I'd say snuk up, but spell check doesn't like that word). I did my mom taxi driver thing and got Hannah where she needed to be and brought her home.... we went to see friends who were leaving on vacation...had a little pizza, a couple of drinks... I came home, went to bed... and within 15 minutes, I was a blubbering mess. I apologized profusely to Adam --- I told him over and over again that I was sorry --- but at the same time, I told him that I didn't really care that we had "prepared" for mom's death or that she "wasn't herself" at the end --- I just wanted my mom back. And really....that's what it comes down to.... I want my mom back. It doesn't matter how much you prepare for it....or how much you understand that she's in a better place now...or how "not herself" she was at the end... none of that matters. When it all comes down to it you just want your mom back. I....I want my mom back. And I cried last night -- a lot. I'm so very thankful for a husband who understands and "gets it." I feel bad that I didn't understand very well when he lost his mom 13 years ago. I keep apologizing for that -- and he keeps telling me to stop apologizing. He really is a wonderful man and I'm so blessed to have him. He really understands what I'm going through and he has given me a lot of room to mourn and grieve - I couldn't ask for anyone more understanding.

So, here we are - a little over 5 months since my mom died and my dad is just now getting around to ordering a headstone. I've been to mom's grave twice -- but the lack of a marker and lack of grass make it a less than ideal experience. I understand that this is a really important thing to my dad and he wants to make sure that he gets it right -- I just wish he'd gotten it done sooner. The first time I took the kids out there (Hannah wouldn't get out of the car - no surprise) Sarah nearly fell apart because there was no grass and no headstone. So, I haven't really taken them back. I know she's not there --- I really do --- but, since I can't sit at the gates of heaven and talk to her, this is where I go.... it will be nice to have a marker there -- and a bench. I really do understand how important this is to my dad. And beyond wanting to "get it right," it's also a measure of closure that makes everything more real. I know this is hard for him and that's why I haven't really pushed him on it. But, I look forward to being able to take flowers out there -- I could never do that for her when she was alive because she was so allergic to everything. And I look forward to sitting on that bench.....again....I know she's not really there, but it'll be nice to sit there and talk to her.

I miss her so much. She introduced me to Ozzie and Harriet, My Three Sons, The Patty Duke Show, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, Oklahoma, South Pacific, West Side Story....and the list goes on and on. She taught me how to be the "kool aid" mom on the block and how to raise good kids. I want so bad just to talk to her about regular day to day things...but I can't...so....most of the time I just block it out and go on.....I'm not sure this is the best policy, but it's what I know how to do.

Entry 14

Sometimes I see her so clearly in my mind, I forget she's gone. And then, when the realization hits it's crushing........

Entry 13

Last night, while I was on the plane, on my way home, I remembered.....when I was in high school and college and I traveled, my sweet (and silly) mother used to sing an old Baptist hymn..."Lord lift me up and let me stand, by faith on heaven's table land, a higher 'PLANE' than I have found, Lord plant my feet on higher ground." It made me laugh to remember that....and then I started remembering all the great movies and TV shows we used to watch together. When I was in high school and college and couldn't sleep, I'd go out to the living room and mom was usually awake. I remember watching "Oklahoma," "Guys and Dolls," "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers," "South Pacific," and "West Side Story" with her. She introduced me to the "Thin Man" movies and instilled a love for Humphrey Bogart (that lasts to this day) through watching "African Queen," "The Maltese Falcon," and "Casablanca." We watched Dobie Gillis, Ozzie and Harriet, The Patty Duke Show, My Three Sons, The Donna Reed Show, and countless other sitcoms from the '50s and '60s. What sweet, precious memories. And there's nothing that can take those away from me -- for that I am thankful :o)

Entry 12

My dad hurt my feelings this week --- he didn't mean to. I'm sure he has no idea that he did it. But, he did -- and it made me wish my mom was here to talk to about it....to rant a little and have her understand. But, then I remember that the last few months of her life, she wasn't herself...so to just have her back might not have made any difference. I want my mom back the way she was 10 years ago...even 5 years ago. I want the mom who could let me rant about my dad and sympathize with me (and even rant a little herself)...who would give me advice about raising my kids. I miss watching old movies and TV shows with her. I miss the pride she had in the things I do and the things my kids do. This season of the year - with end of school awards and stuff - has made me miss her. She would have been so proud of Sarah passing all her TAKS tests -- not the modified special ed version, but the real test -- for the first time all by herself. My mom said all along that she knew Sarah would find the key and amaze us all -- she was so right and she would have been so very proud. And she'd have been so proud of Joshua for taking the initiative to seek out concurrent college classes while he's still in high school. And, how she would have loved to see Hannah on the stage. She was so sick for so long that she never got to see Hannah perform, but I know she would have nearly busted a button if she had been able to see a show. She was so proud of her kids and her grandkids...and in some ways that makes me wish there was some way she could know about all the wonderful stuff that they're doing. I know she's in a better place...but I don't know exactly how that place works. I don't know if she knows about all that we're doing or if she doesn't. I don't know that it really matters. All I know is that I miss her.

Entry 11

Wow - my mini-me will be 14 tomorrow. Unbelievable! She is so beautiful and talented and smart and amazing. I'm so proud to be her mom. I can't wait to see what she does with all that God has given her. She is a treasure to me :o)

Entry 10

I never quite know when to post. Sometimes I feel like I need to be "up" for it and sometimes I feel like I just need to say whatever is on my mind.

I had a moment today....lol...such a weird saying..."a moment." But, that's what I had. I got in my car to go pick up kids and "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown" was on the radio. That brought back a lot of childhood memories. Then, I got back in the car later and "Jeremiah Was a Bullfrog" was on the radio. Wow...When I was eight years old, I recorded myself singing that song (and "The Night Chicago Died" - with quite a bit of feeling - lol) on my cassette recorder. The first year I was married, my mother gave a copy of that cassette to Adam for Christmas :o) So, when "Jeremiah Was a Bullfrog" came on the radio I got a little choked up, but I was okay. Then, I drove past the hospital where mom died and suddenly my throat closed up and somehow there was a big, hard walnut in it. My eyes filled with tears and I couldn't swallow. I almost had to pull over and stop...but I can't do that. I can handle everything...I can function under the most difficult of circumstances..."I am woman, hear me roar!" And, of course, I kept going. I picked up kids. I ran errands. I encountered incompetent people. I got angry. My afternoon was ruined....and I wrote it all off to stupid people and traffic. Hmmmm.....not so sure I should have placed the blame there......

A friend shared a text message with me a few weeks ago. It said, "Depression is the result of trying to be strong and do things on your own for too long." Boy, I sure am glad THAT didn't hit home! I have always been the "do-er." I can handle it all. I was teaching middle school and raising three kids while my husband drove a truck over the road AND I was going to graduate school. Again I say, "I am woman, hear me roar!" So, maybe I'm roaring too much. Perhaps I need to give up the invisible plane, golden tiara, and lasso of truth. Maybe I need to stop being so strong and doing this by myself. But, how do I do that? I don't even know how to start......

If I let go of all the Wonder Woman strength, I'm afraid I'll completely fall apart and won't be able to do anything. I have kids and a husband to take care of. I have a job to do. I can't completely fall apart. So, where is the happy medium? How do I relinquish some of my "do it all" but not let myself go completely? How do I let myself grieve and still be able to be a mom, a wife, do my job? If I do one, I can't do the other...and right now doing my job and being a mom and wife is winning out. So, the grief only comes occasionally and in short bursts. Maybe that's okay. I don't know. I've never done this before....

Entry 9

Most of you know, or could figure out, that I was named for Julie Christie's character in the movie Dr. Zhivago. I've seen the movie several times, but not in the last few years. When I saw that it was on tonight, I decided to watch it - even though I know it's incredibly long and unbelievably depressing. It's "my" movie and I wanted to watch it. Omar Sharif is so handsome...and Geraldine Chaplin and Julie Christie are just stunningly beautiful. And the story -- besides its portrayal of the Russian Revolution, which has ALWAYS fascinated me -- is one of deep and abiding love. I was doing fine...until the music of Lara's Theme began...and then I started to cry.

I know most people are aware of whether or not they were planned or an accident. I've always known that my parents tried for a very long time to get pregnant with me -- my brother is 5 1/2 years older than I am. And, I have always known that if I had been a boy, my name would have been Christopher Allen :o) Recently, we found out that the man who has been our family doctor since the mid 1960s is retiring...and my dad went and got all my mom's medical records. He sent me this one a couple of weeks ago...and I cried.

I don't know if you can see it on the photo, or not, but on 3-2-67 there's a note: "Wants to get pregnant." Wow.....and I was born (a month early) in December 1967. Wow.


Like I said...I always knew I was wanted and planned. But to have such tangible proof was really almost overwhelming to me.

So...watching Dr. Zhivago tonight with this knowledge has been pretty moving for me. And...it's Mother's Day weekend...

I really have been just trying not to think about it. Our tradition for many years has been that Adam will grill a huge meal for Mother's Day - usually salmon because that was one of my mom's favorites. But, this year he's taking me out to dinner...I don't want him to cook. I think that would probably make the day a million times harder for me. I'd like to keep it low key. And I'd really like to be able to relax and enjoy the day...I guess we'll just wait and see how things go.

There is so much sweetness and love and happiness mixed with all the grief - the combination of emotions just becomes overwhelming. To know that I was wanted this much - and planned for - and loved so much.


Lara's Theme
"Somewhere, my love, there will be songs to sing
Although the snow covers the hopes of Spring
Somewhere a hill blossoms in green and gold
And there are dreams, all that your heart can hold
Someday we'll meet again, my love
Someday whenever the Spring breaks through

You'll come to me out of the long-ago
Warm as the wind, soft as the kiss of snow
Till then, my sweet, think of me now and then
Godspeed, my love, till you are mine again

Someday we'll meet again, my love
I said "someday whenever that Spring breaks through"

You'll come to me out of the long-ago
Warm as the wind, and as soft as the kiss of snow
Till then, my sweet, think of me now and then
Godspeed, my love, till you are mine again!"

Entry 8

So...I wonder...how much slack do I cut everyone else...and how little do I cut myself. I'm very good about telling the kids that however they grieve is the way they grieve -- and yet I'm so quick to question myself and how I am grieving.

Most of the time, when a thought or a memory comes to me, I push it away...determined not to deal with it now, but to deal with it later. And, so I wonder...am I dealing with grief correctly? Am I doing this right? Am I doing myself a disservice? Or is this just how I deal with grief? So many unknowns....

But really, I'm afraid to confront it dead on. I don't want to break down because I'm afraid that if I do, I'll be worthless for days and days. I'm afraid that if I confront it head on, it will completely debilitate me. So, I push it away and I choose not to deal with it.

And then it blindsides me -- like today...watching "Julie and Julia"...and the song "I love you a bushel and a peck...a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck" comes on and all I can hear is my mother singing that to my kids. But I try so hard to push it aside so I can go on with my day and be a mom and do what my family needs me to do. But, it doesn't work -- and I'm in a funk for most of the afternoon. I'm thankful for my friends who encouraged me to get out of the house and go to the pool...and it was fun...but then I question myself. Should I let the grief come so I can deal with it? Or is it okay to push it aside for a while? I just don't know....I don't know anymore if I'm "okay" and dealing with things or if I'm just fooling myself.

I just don't know...

Entry 7

I had a dream. I didn't even know I was asleep when it happened. My mom was lying on her back on the bed and she started to cough, so I helped her sit up a little, roll over on her side and get a drink of water. It was so real - I could feel the texture of her hair and the weight of her body. And that was it. Suddenly I was awake. It took a few seconds to realize it had been a dream...and a few more seconds to remember that she's gone. All that remained was deep, profound sadness.

Entry 6

Hmmmm....I think perhaps it's hard for me to remember to post because the people who are following me don't get an update when I post. So, nobody is asking why I haven't posted. I wonder if anybody has any idea how I can get updates to the people who are following me.

I'm working really hard to de-stress my life. I'm getting better at it....but it still takes work. There's been a lot of drama with the kids lately and that is really stressful for me. I worry so much about them.

My dad adopted a dog!!!!! She's so awesome! Her name is Fly and she's sweet and beautiful and wonderful. I think it's going to be great for my dad. She's mostly an inside dog, but she sure does like it when Sarah comes over and throws the ball for her in the back yard.

In the midst of the kid drama this week....well, today, really...I was stressed out and worried and wondering if I was doing the right thing and it occurred to me that I wished so much that my mom was here to give me advice. But she's not....and I miss her. I miss just being able to talk to her about the little things...telling her about Hannah's choir winning sweepstakes, or about Joshua scoring a run tonight, or Sarah filling out her choice sheet for middle school. Most of the time I'm okay...I tend to just keep busy and not think about it. But, sometimes it catches up with me. Today is one of those days.

Entry 5

So, here I am on a Friday night, at home all by myself. Adam is at work. Joshua is on a band trip and won't be home till Sunday. Hannah is at "Late Night" with the Bedichek theatre group. And Sarah is off riding bikes in the neighborhood with Jon...and suddenly it occurs to me that it won't be very long before the house is empty like this all the time. Hmmmmm......this makes me sad. But, I also know that I shouldn't get ahead of myself. I need to enjoy life for what it is now and not worry about what is to come.

Today was a long day. I had planned on leaving work at 1:30 and coming home to take a nap. But, comments/changes on a big proposal came in and they needed my intrepidatious research and writing skills, so I didn't leave until 4. I didn't get the nap I needed....I'm hoping that means I sleep well tonight.

My trip next week has been complicated a little bit. I'm trying to de-stress this weekend because I know what three days of traveling does to me. The good news is that I should be able to take off at least one day, maybe one and a half next week after I get back from my trip.

So, now I'm waiting for Sarah to get home from riding bikes so we can order Chinese -- I promised her we'd do this since it's just a girls' night. And here she is :o)

Entry 4

Wow - it's been a long week. Where do I start?.....

Easter did not turn out at all the way I'd hoped. We didn't make it to church. Adam slept through lunch...I didn't find any cascarones...and it wasn't really much of a family day at all. Sarah probably summed it up. She said, "Easter was Grandma's favorite holiday...it won't be the same without her."

I flew out to El Paso the very first thing Monday morning...that was a 12 hour day. Tuesday was a 12 hour day, and Wednesday was a 13 hour day. We saw some cool stuff -- incredible mountain top views and ancient petroglyphs. But, sunburn, windburn, frustration, and long hours certainly have taken their toll this week. My feet and ankles are swollen to the size of softballs, my allergies are killing me, and I'm exhausted. But, I am so glad to be home with my sweet family and in my own bed.

I had a great time tonight at Hannah's choir concert. They did such a great job. I'm so impressed with the directors and the choir program there. It almost makes me wish I could go back to middle school and be in the choir again (except I remember how miserable the rest of middle school was). Joshua's band did well at their competition and he's going on a trip with them this weekend. I'm glad he's going, but I feel a little weird about him being gone. I'll miss him and I'll worry....I guess it's just my nature.

Joshua and I had a really neat conversation tonight about prayer and how that was my mom's ministry. We talked about how amazing it is that she prayed for so many people who had no idea she was even praying for them....and yet her prayers still had an amazing effect on their lives. Then we talked about how we pray and what we pray for. It was really a neat conversation to have with my sweet 16-year-old boy.

I'd like to write more, but I'm tired. I will say this --- I'm slowly learning to take care of myself. When I feel myself getting stressed out with the busy-ness, I'm learning how to say no to things. I'm hoping I continue to get better at that.

Entry 4

Today was a good, but long, day. The girls and I went to Sherwood Forest Faire and Joshua had a baseball game. His team won - BIG - and he got to play a fair amount.

At the Renaissance Fair there was a show with birds of prey. There was a beautiful owl they brought out...Artemis. He was still young and instead of hooting, he made a funny little childish "Meeh" sound (if you've ever heard pre-teens or teenagers "meep" -- that's what it sounded like).

When they brought the owl out - I immediately thought of my mother. She collected owls for years and she would have so loved this little guy. But, there was no pain or anguish...no tears...just joy. Joy, and appreciation for God's creation and for what my mother would have loved so much. If I could have brought Artemis the owl home with me, I would have.

It was really a wonderful day -- although I'm exhausted and my feet are horribly swollen and I'm going to have to sleep with them elevated tonight. Hannah and her friend, Magaly, had a great time. Sarah made some new friends and had a wonderful time. And Joshua had a great time back home playing baseball and winning with his team.

Tomorrow is Easter. Adam gets off work at 6am. We'll go to church at 9:30 and then back here for lunch with my dad (eek! I forgot to buy cascarones for the kids!!! Hopefully I can find some on the way home from church tomorrow). And then an afternoon visit with Brian, Krizsti, and Gordy --- one of my oldest and dearest friends and his family.

I am truly blessed...I have wonderful, brilliant, talented, beautiful children who love me and will talk to me about everything in their lives...I have a fabulous husband who loves me no matter what and who I don't see nearly often enough...I have a job that I love...I have a fantastic dad who still gets extra paper towels and toilet paper at Sam's just for me...a wonderful sister-in-law who is trying to kill me with the cookies and cupcakes she's making...silly, funny dogs...amazing neighbors...and, most importantly, a Savior who gave himself for my failings. Praise God, from whom all blessings flow.

Entry 3

So far, so good today. Adam brought me lunch at work and we sat outside at the picnic tables to eat. Torchy's baja shrimp tacos always brighten my day. And then, I found an excuse to come home early and work from the house. It's amazing how much nicer work is when you're doing it from your own couch with your dog next to you. Of course, I could take my dog(s) to work if I wanted to...but they don't always play well with others.

I'm both looking forward to and dreading Joshua's baseball game tonight. It's not that I don't want to go to his game, although things like that seem to take more out of me than they used to...the bigger issue is that my dad is going to be there. This was something I hadn't prepared myself for -- getting to know my dad all over again, and in a whole new way. I always feel like I don't know what to say to him. And I worry about him, but I don't want to tell him that. I'd like to suggest things for him to do to get out of the house --- besides going to the store --- but I know it's still pretty early and he just needs to find his own routine and figure out what he wants to do. I feel responsible for him, but sometimes it takes more emotional energy than I have to go see him or call him. And then I feel guilty....and so on, and so on.... Not sure what the solution is to this one except to just keep plugging along. I know there are no right or wrong answers to all this, so I guess I should really cut myself a little slack.

It's about time to start picking up kids from school and enduring all the chaos that goes with that, but it's a beautiful, sunny day. I can feel the breeze coming through the window and smell freshly mowed grass. For right now I'm happy and content. It would be nice if I could hold on to that, but I guess the better lesson is to appreciate it for what it is and just enjoy the moment while it lasts.

Entry 2

This is the last picture I took of my mom. She's in her wheel chair with her oxygen on and my sweet Sarah is standing behind her with two silly Christmas bows in her hair. My mom so loved her grandchildren. For as long as I can remember, my mom was all about children. She taught kindergarten for years, but I remember her as a stay at home mom who always had breakfast ready and a lunch made for me. Even when I was in college, she got up before I did and turned on the heater in the bathroom so I wouldn't be cold when I was getting ready. That's just who she was. I can't think of anybody I've ever known who was as selfless as she was. I have recently scanned some old photographs and that has brought back a whole new set of memories...because for the last 5 or 10 years, my mother's infirmities defined her. I hope I can post lots of wonderful memories of her and that those of you who knew her will share your memories. She was a wonderful woman, and I was prepared for her death --- she had been sick for a really long time. But, grief still overwhelms me in really strange ways...so I'm hoping this blog helps me to deal with some of that.

Entry 1

I've never been good at blogs or diaries. I always feel like I need to sound more poetic or more intellectual, or more....something...than I really am. I think maybe that's why I haven't posted much on the blogs I've started before.

I would have loved to have a weight loss blog that documents my incredible weight loss, but that hasn't happened. I started a blog....but I didn't follow through...twice...

So, I think it's probably more important for me to have a blog that documents my real life. I have three kids, my husband is currently working night shifts, I travel a lot for work, and my mom just passed away in January.

These are the things that define me....that make me who I am. I am a mom, a historian, a wife, a daughter, a middle-aged woman, a singer, a believer, a niece, a sister, an aunt, a sister-in-law, a homeowner, a drinker, an eater, a lover of life, an Austinite, tattooed, pierced, depressed, happy, joyful, unstable, competent, responsible, uncertain, grateful....well...you get the idea.....there's a lot to me and there's a lot I don't understand. I don't know where this blog is going to go, but I know that I need an outlet for everything that's going on in my life.

I hope this doesn't turn out like my other blogs - where I abandon it after a few weeks. This isn't about how successful I am at weight loss, which is what I've tried before. This blog is about my journey through life...and life is joyous and wonderful, but it really sucks at the same time.

So...that's my first post. I don't know what the next post will bring...maybe I'll talk about my mom...maybe I'll talk about how I grew up...who knows...I just hope it's cheaper than therapy......